With Mother’s Day approaching, I’ve been considering what it means to be Adeline’s mom. How do you reconcile being a mom of a child you cannot hold?  I was browsing through my photos recently and this one always stands out. It reminds me of a moment, during a trip to Lake Tahoe, shortly after Adeline passed away.

As I sat on the balcony of our hotel room, I let the sun engulf me and prayed “swallow me up and take me to place where it doesn't hurt so much.”  My prayer was answered, but not as I expected it to be.  Instead of taking me away to someplace new, the sun reminded me how close Adeline really was. As I felt the sun’s rays on my face, I could feel the warmth.  The sun’s rays were not visible, I could not reach out and touch them and yet I could feel them.  I could feel them on my skin and in my heart. They provide the human body with nourishment and energy.

Nature has such a beautiful way of directing the human soul.  

The rays of the sun are much like Adeline's love. I cannot touch her, I cannot hold her, I cannot see her, but man I can feel her. Every day, everywhere I go, in everything I do, I feel Adeline. Her love nourishes my heart and soul, in ways I never knew were possible.   

As I adjust to a new way of living, I'm surrounding by her warmth: comforting, invigorating, motivating, consistent.  She is forever with me, and I am forever her mother. Life is full of obstacles, challenges, roadblocks, and hurdles.  We would not be human without them.  I am blessed to be able to experience life through a new lens. A lens that allows me to see not only with my eyes but also with my heart. I can see the suffering, the pain, the fear, the heartbreak.  But what shines brightest is LOVE. Her love radiates back at me.  Love is everywhere and I am continually amazed by the strength of the human heart. 

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