I haven’t written for publication in a long while; honestly, I haven’t even found much time for my personal journaling in the past year. This time in my life was reserved for just being in my life, not for sharing or processing too much.
I’ve been riding the ups and downs of life and couldn’t bring myself to share those moments with you as I was living them. And, surprisingly, I felt guilty for not sharing with you, for not doing what I know my heart and soul are called to do. It’s strange the stories our minds tell us. I kept thinking, I created this blog to share my experiences with others, so why am I finding it so hard to share?
I was afraid.
I was afraid to write about my current experiences because they were too raw. I hadn’t had time to process all that I was going through and sharing felt scary and I more vulnerable than I wanted to be. I was in the midst of big fears, anxieties and decisions. I completely shutdown and decided not to write at all. That’s me in a nutshell, all or nothing. If I can’t put my full attention into something, then I might as well not do it at all.
Anyone else have that problem?
With the societal expectations of perfectly-curated social media feeds, I didn’t think I could keep up with the Jones’s and so I quit.
I created this blog on the foundation of sharing my authentic self in hopes that others would realize they are not alone and maybe even feel empowered to share their voice. It’s critically important to me to be real. I thought I needed to share who I am moment by moment…because that’s the world we live in. Instant gratification. Posting where we’re at, what we’re eating, and who we’re with as we’re experiencing it, in real-time. I felt like if I couldn’t do that, I wasn’t being authentic.
I was wrong.
A while back I watched (or listened to) three different video/podcasts by people whom I admire for their vulnerability and authenticity: Brene Brown, Glennon Dolye, and Elizabeth Gilbert. Each of them said, in her own ways, she doesn’t write about events until she has “healed” from those experiences.
I was flooded with relief when I heard these women talk about their writing processes. I realized being authentic isn’t about sharing real-time, it’s about sharing what’s real and sometimes (most of the time) that requires processing our stories, so we can clearly articulate them for others.
A year ago in January, I set some big intentions for this blog. Honestly, I didn’t get ANY of them done. I’ve spent this year beating myself up for not writing and trying to understand the barriers around why I wasn’t writing. Today, I forgive myself and start afresh.
I might not have written a lot this year, but I’ve grown. I’ve learned to slow down and to listen hard to the voices deep inside myself. You know, those voices that know you best. I’ve learned that there are times in life where our full attention needs to be in the experience of living our life; and then there are times of growing, processing and, ultimately, sharing.
I think I’m moving into that sharing phase. I can feel it in my bones, that energy pulling me towards something beautiful.
Peace and Love, Friends.