Dear Adeline | Not Enough Time
I’m so tired, sweet baby girl. Missing you is exhausting.
It wears on my heart, mind, body, and emotions.
Since you’ve been gone, days have passed filled with a sense of never feeling I have enough time for anything. With each day that passes, I continue to rise with an overwhelming fear that I won’t have enough time to get to everything. When I start a new task, there’s an overwhelming feeling that I won’t have enough time to complete it, that I will have to leave things undone.
I realized tonight that all those feelings stem from the overwhelming feeling of not having had enough time with you, not being able to finish what we started. I’ve always described myself as someone who finishes what she starts. I don’t like things undone. I’m almost obsessive about it.
Yet my time with you feels undone.
We didn’t have enough time you and me.
That feeling of leaving things undone haunts me. It’s seeped into every crevice of my life. Over the past year, I’ve tried every trick to help me find more time. I’ve read books, made a habit of daily planning, organized everything in my house, researched minimalism, anything to help relieve this all-consuming feeling of not having enough time.
What I didn’t realize, until now, was I didn’t need more time for my list of things to do; I was searching for more time with you. I’ve been chasing what I cannot have, searching for what I cannot find.
Unfortunately, we will never have more time together, sweet baby girl; we will only have what we were given, those oh so few precious moments. The same is true in my life today. I can do a million things, learn a thousand tricks to try, and find more time in my day; however, the reality is there will never be enough, there will only be what we are given.
I fear I’m not spending enough time in places that truly matter.
I fear I’m not doing enough good with my time.
I fear I’m wasting the time I have left.
We’ve all only been given a certain amount of time on this earth. I’m trying to find blessings in the time I have now and do something good while I’m here.
I’m tired of chasing after something I know is illusive.
I’m just tired, baby girl.
So very tired.
Since you’ve been gone, I’ve been running as fast as I can chasing after a lifetime with you. I’m finally slowing down enough to realize, we only have the time we are given. No more, no less. There is no reason to search for more, it is what it is, but we must make the absolute most of each and every of those precious moments we do have.
Love you, Adeline. Miss you so, so much.
Time is precious friends, don’t waste a single second.